Comprehensing Marriages in Indian Context

Marriages had substantiated merely to the status of an anachronistic petty experience in the occidental corners of globe but scouring for protracted relationships, a person in east is still inundated with trepidations of its fruition/failure and quests for elysian bonhomie in the gamut of marriage per se

Paucity of innovative influx in our Indian society has flummoxed our minds to such an extent that at present we are invigorated just being obdurately jingoistic for a scantily left culture. Unfortunately we assort to a similar act by blindly supporting arranged marriages. But that definitely is not what Indian culture is, we had emanated from a diversified panorama of ideas, a mélange of people from various castes and creeds but having individual freedom of thought as its preliminary tenets. We certainly need to revolutionize to elicit indigenous originality of adapting and assimilating the best

Firstly, let us know what our culture exactly says. As widely and wrongly propagated in west, Indian culture doesn’t endorse tying the knot of two unknown youths seeing each other for the first time only after marriage, at rosily-decorated-beds and that too at night (Suhaag raat as we say it). Peeping into the history, we find that womenfolk enjoyed utmost freedom while selecting bridegroom in the form of Swayamvar and there had been innumerable instances when a girl left her home if she felt that her choices were being suppressed. Infact, Lord Sri Krishna himself motivated her sister to go for Arjun. Similarly, marriage was more of a personal matter and at times, a family matter. Like, Lord Ram didn’t took permission of his parents while marrying Devi Sita and similar is the case with Lord Krishna

Much is said about caste based marriages. We need to ruminate over it as well. In Vedic times, castes were decided by profession. So, it is pretty natural that an intellectual would fall in love with a person of matching genius. Hence just like a Research scientist finds love in his/her fellow scholar who he/she meets every now and then, a pundit used to marry a pundit. Caste may have become obsolete but profession based selection of life partner is an undeniable reality. Can you imagine Aishwarya marrying a sweeper and Akshay marrying his son with a maid? (No matter how many movies they act in talking of open mindedness and that love is blind)

Arranged marriages have earned the wrath of youths in recent times, but the concept behind them isn’t that hard to decipher. In Indian context, marriage is not just an intercourse of two bodies, it’s a unification of two souls and two families/societies. Hence :

1. Decisions of marriage were not taken single handedly. They involved the entire family, and all those who live in a happy joint family, know pretty well what kind of joy a marriage brings in a family. Indian values can never allow you to sacrifice that joy for your lust.

2. Parents look for a good cultured family for marital association. Hence, no matter, whether a girl ever managed to see her future hubby, marriages were always 100% successful since it was like mating of two cultured youths having same values and sanskars and aspirations from life. In present scenario, this equilibrium has been disturbed since firstly, cultural values are at their all time low and parents themselves want their son/daughter to be mature/shrewd/smart/whatsoever in the walks of life and secondly, increased affinity for a sexually satisfied life has hyped the hopes from a marriage unlike previously where sex wasn’t the only thing one looked in his/her life partner. A cultured wife/husband almost always was able to satisfy needs other than sexual in a marriage by sure. (Guarantee of ample sex and overjoyed life wasn’t there though but that wasn’t the thing looked after as well in the fellow mate)

3. Indian parenting is phenomenal and I aver my views stated here pretty confidently. So much of love is there, that at later stages of life, parents expect to take the decision of marriage in their own hands, purely for the sake of welfare of their own child, then that is pretty natural and obvious. It is their love. They mind all Ps and Qs just not to get cheated. Please don’t compare our parents and family ambience with that in the west.

Above stated reasons also elucidate why love marriages are not attuned in Indian context. In west, they are OK since you don’t live with your family right from the time you attain control of yourself, but in India, you just can’t let go your parents who brought you up, for a newly developed love of yours. When you were unable to be of those with whom you lived till now, I doubt you would ever be so loyal to the one you currently date.

The unparalleled exuberance for love marriages incited by virtue of bollywood movies in 70s’ is now at a low once again and arrange marriages have once again captured their forte as I see in recent times. Reasons behind this need to be scrutinized. Indian parents were caring enough to patron love marriages and the son used to bring his newly married wife at home only to find out that his love is not at all compatible with his parents. Similar is the outcome of arranged marriages too. The prime reason behind this failure is the difference in cultures and loss in family values that has aroused. I would not go in details of the present scenario of wife/husband chemistry since it is more of a personal issue where even minutiae details matter the most. Son in law still lives with his own family and daughter in law leaves her family, still now, hence the holistic performance of family mostly rests upon how well daughter in law adjusts herself. The Indian concept of service (sewa) are seen with contempt or have deteriorated. Womenfolk prefer wearing the shoes of a working lady rather than being an ideal daughter in law who makes all ends meet just to serve her in laws, her children, her husband……

The image of ideal Indian mother and Bahu that we saw till 80s’ is in perils. Parents as well as the husband found themselves deceived. I have interacted with families who went for arranged as well as love marriages, very few are satisfied and few are able to look for an image of ideal Bahu in their in law. Young generation is perspicacious enough to scramble indifference under the veneer of spurious culture (sanskars), and you rumble the real mendacious nature of your in law/ beloved only after you live actually with her for a sufficient period of time.

Live in relationships are incomprehensible in Indian context as our values resent pre marital sex since sex isn’t the only thing we look in a marriage apart from its vulgar repercussions in a family atmosphere.

But love/arranged marriages are diminishingly fructifying these days as I have seen it in innumerable cases. Time is high where we espouse a new system of marriage where we consent both partners equally to know each other within the restraints of system. Here is where, I support Live in relationships. But this live in relationship won’t be of the type Saif – Kareena are currently living in (They have copied it though). We need to devise a enhanced modus operandi where our middle class families are compatible and the right and equality of both the genders is maintained as well.

The live in relationship of the type shown in the Telugu movie Bomarillu fits pretty well in our Indian culture and fulfills all requirements of Indian families/ bride/ bridegroom without any biasing. It is a much better window to know the future in laws as compared to the present system of arranged marriages

Marriages compose an integral part of Indian society since a happy marriage only confirms the foundation of a happy family. Family is one thing we won’t ever compromise in our Indian culture, so we need to change this current system of arranged marriages since it is no more viable today.

We Indians seriously need to formulate a better scheme of marriage, or the present system of arranged marriages is leaving everyone dissatisfied to such an extent that the western wind of Live in relationships would soon take its toll over entire society. (Enormous increase in pre marital sex and post marital affairs is an outcome of this frustration only).

We need to come out from the orthodoxy that has crept in our society. We require to transform for the sake of our culture. And fortunately our culture permits us to change for the better.

A Pernicious Trend

Both in my school life and college life, I have been a witness to the fact that glamour sustains victory. When a teacher used to ask a question, the spontaneous (but knowing less) guys used to blabber whatsoever they can vomit while the shy (yet genius) always preferred to be reserved.

Similarly, when it came to wooing girls, the shy used to just talk formally with girls while the fundoo guys with glamorous accessories and impressive (modern) style used to throw jokes, do publicity stunts solely for the purpose of making fool of the girl. Being a batchmate and having good acquaintance with both the shy and the wag, I always found the results to be other way round. The shy one was more intense and pure in his feelings. But the girl always chose to go with the smart one who can always keep her smiling and offer her a ride at his (may be borrowed) bike.

I used to empathize with the fate of that girl for having lost a true friend and may be a life partner

Same was the case I found in the recent flick – I hate Luv Stories. Sonam fell in love with Imraan for no obvious reasons. He was a liar and was no virgin, but that made little difference to her. He just made her laugh, did some publicity stunts at the pub and all of a sudden she feels that the magic has come back. It was very unclear, Which quality allured her – if she just got wooed by his stunts, showy tricks, then I really feel pathetic for her. She was ready to leave a sober, successful and above all an honest beau who was not even curious to know about her horrible past and was ready to accept her in all her forms.
The analogy and contrast set by white and red flowers was once again unclear to me, may be in this case she never told her beau and to Imraan – she did.

Once again a cultured, shy and honest guy lost against a dishonest, not at all serious but humorous guy

Let me know, what do you feel

P.S. : I find a similar situation even in professional life. If you don’t entertain others with spicy jokes, they take no time in declaring you boring and somber. Contrast this with the prophecy in Ramayana by Goswami Tulsidas where he says that in Kalyug, wags would be preferred over serious work oriented persons. So true!!!!

Fed Up Of Moving On

Once upon a time, just a year back, I was in Kahalgaon which is a remote village in Bihar with profoundly pandemic penury all over. The first impression you might derive by dint of this is pretty obvious but the story is other way round. That bout of stay in Kahalgaon, that arcadian life, was the golden phase of my life.

You cannot ostracize but face the vicissitudes that your job puts you into and farcical are all your efforts and prudence to circumvent any such change as they are indelible in one’s life. Their incumbency only prodded me to abort that place for a transfer to a new place which was a city, in fact.

Big smoke may sound alluring but so far there have been no such gestures. This post commemorates the completion of one full year since I first put my steps in Kahalgaon (Bihar in fact) and contrasts the drastic differences that I find in initial three months of stay at both the places

Where the friends out there were supple in nature having innocuous tenets and simple outlook, here I find the guys with widespread propensity to lambaste any damn thing that is in disagreement with them. Their rapacious affinity to schadenfreude has stultified me from exulting or relishing though I managed to bag a few good friends. Friendship is more of a quest - to search for allies rather than some genuine true-to-life cohorts. This preposterous state of theirs has stymied my scruple from befriending them. Hence, within three months of stay at both the places, I find I had grooved well in there with veritable friends and the sublime stupendous ambience vis-a-vis the sordid atmosphere here. I don’t know, may be their formidable incredulous portrayal has flummoxed my mind inundated with hang over of the past.

Last itinerary to home just a few days back also put me spell bounded but had to move on once again. Hiding the pain of these frequent moves under the veneer of spurious exuberance has made me jaded of the beauty that surrounds me. I am not able to appreciate it anymore. Why don’t the good days just linger?

Anyways, my condition is such that even if some one offers me that pathetic plant as a quid pro quo to this India’s first super critical plant, I won’t give a second thought, in tandem to the trepidation of this nemesis of mine.

Truly said - There may be 8 billion people on this earth, but sometimes you need just one!!!

A Very Special Poem

Rarely it happens that you come across a person with which you develop a relation as compatible as your own siblings. During my stay at Kahalgaon, I came across a similar person – Naveen Kumar. Words fall short if I ever think of describing the support he gave to me during the worst of my times.

We all were destined to separate, and after we are miles apart, Naveen has written a poem dedicated to me and my importance in his life. It feels so nice when someone considers you this much important. I am delirious. Let the poem say everything:

Zindagi ne Aisa rang khilaya mujhe tumse milaya…
Ajnabiyon ke beech apna sa paya…
Logon ke beech par logon se alag sa nazar aaya….
Be-suri dunon ko tumne sur dilaya…

Meri nadaniyon ko bachpana bataya, aur miujhe jeene ka rasta samjhaya…
Khwabon mein aa ke bade bhai jaisa sneh barsaaya….
Iss duniyan ki kathnayiyon aur matlabipan se jujhana sikhaaya….
Raste to the kai, par sahi rasta to tumne hi bataaya…
Birthday pe tumhare hi idea ne surprise karaya..
Achi dosti kya thi ye tumko pa ke hi samajh mein aya..

Zindagi ne phir apna rang dikhlaya..
Iss aage badhati hui life ne alag hone ka time batlaya..
Jab tumse alag hua to inn akhon ne mess ki rahon me, club ki sadkon
mein, edc ki raste aur tumhare khali room mein tumhari talash ki…
Nahi mila to tumhari yadon se hi baat ki..

Maine bhi un galiyon, us ghar , us jagah ko chhora..
Kuch yadon se muh moda..
Nayi jagah pe fir se naya jivan sanwaara..

Office mein tumhe to nahi par tumhar hidayaton aur salah ko sath paya..
Unhi ko tumhara ansh samajh ke apne se himaat rakhne ko kehlaya..
Tumhari sneh, dosti, adaon, care ne hamesha yadon ko taja karaya..
Aur tumhe maine apne bagal mein hi baitha paya…

Suuni sadkon pe sath chahiye..
In andhere galiyon ko abhi bhi tumhari prakash chahiye..
Suraj nahi sahi, par chand jaisi roshni ki talash hai..
Iss jindagai mein kabhi-kabhi milte rehana yahi ek aas hai..

The Biggest Ethical Dilemma

We live our lives with plethora of perceptions. We love someone, we hate others and we adore a whole lot of friends and this is what makes us human. We observe them, analyze them knowingly or unknowingly in our sub conscious mind, evaluate them and consequently approve for a future relationship. This is known as the art of Judgment and it is what enables us to differentiate between virtues and vices existent in our society. After all there is something that prompts us not to go with that particular stranger or not to incorporate that peculiar habit. It happens to everyone and no one is an exception to it.

Priorities vary in a practical life. Once again we admire or despise fellow cohorts. Things go smoothly and you come across all possible outcomes of these particular likings or dislikings. Collaborations/infidelities/loyalty/friendship/politics parturition from these two basic emotions.

Real test of one’s conscience and the greatest ethical question arises when there is a radical change in the ambience/scenario/situation. All of a sudden, you are in an atmosphere where your previous opponents are your recent colleagues or vice versa. Which side do you choose then?

When you are mature enough to weigh your future assets, you make judgments but do not aver them publicly and that is what happens mostly in a professional world. Neither you expressed your emotions earlier and nor are you going to express them now. Such persons rarely think of ethics.

But the question of ethics actually arises for two other kinds of people. One who are open hearted and embrace anyone they come across and second who are judgmental and find it difficult to shed previous opinions and collaborate with a previous opponent just because the situation has changed.

I too was a witness to this dilemma. Today I wish to express my feeling and approach for this ethical question. When I faced a tough situation like this, I simultaneously came across a person who kept motivating me to forget all previous infidelities and animosity and start a new life with an open heart forgiving for all previous misdeeds. Many a times it appeared as if I am being rigid and inhumane not to cooperate with those colleagues.

But that is definitely not the case. I respect all human beings and I like them all. I have never thought ill even about my enemies. The actual thing in question here is Truth. Truth must sustain in all circumstances. Previously my recent colleague used to be my opponent and I supported my cause (and abhorred his) because I did what I think was ethically correct. I stood for that cause because it was a manifestation of Truth and my self conscience motivated me to do so. Now in changed conditions, if I would forget what happened in the past, certainly I would gain professionally but Truth would suffer. It would severely amputate the status of Truth and the world will see to this as the loss of that ethical cause. If I would succumb to my greed/whims, who will carry the torch and let everyone know what lies beneath? Who will spread the light and let everyone see the Truth hidden underneath? Doers would pay for their sins in this world, only if someone is there to remind others of the past otherwise temporary detest to sins might let the sinners think that Truth and Justice are relative and they can be avoided after changing the native village or aborting the ambience or simply bribing. Someone has to be there to constantly keep reminding sinners of their past and the need of penance. I sincerely believe that one should not give up his hatred for sinners unless sinners show some repentance and willingness to change and if we would make this world a cake walk for them, who would motivate them to indulge in absolution and reparation

I would like to give you an example. No matter how much the world reckons Mahatma Gandhi and no matter how many award winning movies are made show casing his borrowed principles, it’s a fact that Indians detest him for what he did. I have seen that most of us are taught by our own parents about how he practiced pseudo secularism and played a crucial role in granting a colossal status to Jinnah. Past generation is the only torch bearer (Since all our text books and media were owned by Congress for a sufficiently long time) and because of them only we don’t exactly take him as Mahatma, though we may like some of his ideals.

Similarly if we will collaborate with our ethical opponents with whom we fought over an issue as great as the Truth itself, how can we blame politicians and political parties for their opportunistic allegiances? We are no better than them

Lastly I wish to say that standing for Truth may make you rigid in front of some silly colleagues who belittle ethics; nevertheless you would be satiated with your inner self. Giving up this rigidity might earn you easy accessibility in a professional life, but then it is a matter of choice – What kind of life you believe in and what have your parents taught you

Ego Clashes and Break ups

Relations in life are like blood in body, akin to a breeze in the desert or a drop of rain in scorching heat. Immaterial of the fame and fortune we earn in our lives, we all need someone to laugh with us in blithe moments and support us at our failures. We often assert that we are independent or we don’t need anyone’s emotional support but the truth is that we all need someone to walk with us.

Not many of us are successful enough to carry a relation right till the end. Unfortunately, we all have to move on with life leaving behind some of our most beloved relations. Ego wins over love and we take pride in our false self respect but at the end we all crave for the love that we lost just because of our silly self-esteem which crippled all our courage to make a move

When we find love amongst peers and look for an image of life partner in them, we all experience the most beautiful feelings of this world – Love and Care. But this True love and jealousy go hand in hand. We love our partner to the point of death but the excellence of partner in some field and our own failure to rise to that level sows the seeds of jealousy. That point of time is the most crucial one. We pray for the failure of our own beloveds. Our own mate fails to understand our whims and comprehend that all that we want is his/her time and fear of losing him/her is killing us. This feeling alone is the mother of jealousy in True love. Life goes on and our partner chooses career/progress over bonding with us. Failing to form sync with the partner, we chose to stay quite or simply abort the relation. These relations fail even if we have just a little expectation. Small but unfulfilled expectations annul hopes and smash a caring heart.

Hurt a true heart as many times you want, it won’t stop loving you but if you ever cheat it, it won’t hurt or hate you, but it won’t dare to love you again.

A single most irony haunts these love unions. Both sides know how much they adore each other, but egos prevent both sides from showing flexibility and initiating the primary move. Either side know very well that the issue would resolve upon retrieval of dialogue and just letting the other person know that we all are alone without them. But this ego once again deters us, we assume that this is against our self respect and we finally let go. Hearts shatter and tears find their way out just because we were rigid enough not to go to him/her and tell him/her how much are we incomplete without him/her. May be we haven’t cheated but once again our ego dominates to go for clarification of misconceptions crept in. Just not to openly showcase our emotional weakness and dependency on the care and support of our partner, we dare to sacrifice something as indispensable as our own lives

Child like curiosity and poignant purity gets lost with the passage of time and we all become a victim of self imagined walls of self-worth. Why? Why do we become so rigid as we grow up?

Child Labor

Many a times we succumb to comprehend what we essentially crave for. Take for instance, Gorkha people are agitating for a different state, but is it really the issue they are obsessed with and would they actually be obliged after getting a new state? If that truly is the case, Sikkim would have been the Tokyo of India.

Similar is the case with Child Labor. I observe people emphasizing the significance of its abolition. Consequently the pertinent question is – what do they have to offer in return? Answer to this question is known to nobody. Let’s be specific. Various NGOs continually demand the abolition of child labor from microscopic/macrosopic levels. They want that no child below a certain age should do any sort of forced labor. Instead they all should go to schools and acquire education just like any other child born with a silver spoon in its mouth

Before raising protests to this proposition, let me make my stand very clear. I don’t support forced labor of any sort for any age group. I strongly abhor the ambience in which a poor child is being brought up in developing countries. I am an ardent supporter of endowment of equal prospects to every one irrespective of the financial inequalities existent in society. Giving a hale and hearty childhood to just-born-buds is crucially vital. I would let you know how. Consider 2 children, one properly nourished in a good environment and the other who lived a typical slum life; now at a later stage both are jobless due to illiteracy. Who do you think would resort more easily to social crimes to earn money? Considering this, our effort should be to give all slum children a life which is full of values and opportunities

Coming to my objections, first of all, I don’t think that doing some work is labor of any sort but its excess definitely is. In developing countries, children undertake work either to support their family or to act as substitute by virtue of the cheap labor they provide. A child if enforced to do a work which is totally devoid of learning like sweeping in trains, then that really is a case of child labor. But if a child is working as a mechanic/operator or even at a tea stall for that matter, then it is really adding some future value to it. He is learning either some skill or basics of business. Once the child is grown enough, at least he won’t be in the league of those well educated unemployed who are waiting endlessly for some firm to come and recruit them (They undertake entrepreneurship only after their job eligibility gets expired). He is standing on his own legs and has some genuine practical skill, more fructifying than the bookish knowledge that our institutes, in general, impart.

Secondly, believing that our present education system is even near to education is another blind absurd supposition. If a child attends 6 hours long boring bookish lectures and thereafter joins a 2 hour duration tedious tuition carrying a bag which is heavier than his aspirations from life, then that too is a type of child labor and all those who demand the poor children to go for schools leaving work should seriously reconsider their definitions. The way a child is forced to mug and memorize things he doesn’t like is a type of exploitation too. We should stop children from doing labor since they wish to go to school, but at the same time we should stop our children from going to those persecution centers (which we refer as schools) too as no child wishes to spend his 15 valuable years in the closed cubicles where creativity and originality is murdered by educated rich parents (Why to blame the poor always?) and fit-for-no-other-job teachers. Irony is that now neo social reformists ruminate that our education system lacks in expertise imparting. You drag a child to school compelling him to think bookish way and then in schools you ask him to think out of the box and develop proficiency giving no exposure to the outside world

Thirdly, ours is a developing country. So less are the opportunities that lacs of aspirants fight for a job opening of just few hundred. Are we willing to make those children a part of this crippled league? That would be like playing with the emotions of the child – at first you ask them to go for schools so that they get equal opportunities and later you turn your back when they look for a living. Seriously, that is the reason why a poor father still thinks that engaging his child in a family business is a much safer/reliable bet. A child well versed with any sort of skill would atleast not beg for job in front of MNCs and think innovatively of setting up a business of its own if provided support. He is the type of entrepreneur our country needs

Fourthly our Indian culture too believes that studies and work go hand in hand. In ancient gurukul system, apart from Vedic knowledge, a ward was imparted various skills such as archery/wrestling/business planning/politics along with basic skills like preparing one’s own food for which the disciples used to go to the woods to collect fuel for fire etc. A disciple wasting his entire day in forest doing hunting for his survival wasn’t looked upon as exploitation. In fact it made him stronger and exposed him to the outside world.

Since I firmly believe that we should be a part of solutions instead of merely being complaining dissatisfied brats. I propose a 3 faceted approach as a solution to this issue. I suppose if we focus on values, opportunities and skills, then we can go far beyond in getting sensible prodigies.

Firstly, our education system seriously lacks in its spirit of inculcating values in the souls of young India. Many of the good things are taught so bookish way that no surprises, we all today take them likewise and don’t dare to improvise them in our lives. The magnitude of ethics and team building is unfortunately taught in business schools and not while primary schooling. The stories of Ramayana and Mahabharata are taught to students in the backdrop of them being a myth, how can you expect anyone to learn anything from it. Extra load of useless subjects should be removed. No child should be devoid of toys to play and a Bat to bat in Cricket. Healthy childhood is what assures that no grudges against system are left in the sub conscious mind of the ward. Healthy childhood and skill learning can certainly go hand in hand

Secondly, equal opportunities should be there for everyone. No matter a child is born in a cot of gold or with a family of five to feed, our system should encourage everyone to be a part of it in the way they prefer. Financial discrepancies in the society can’t be removed overnight but definitely our education system shouldn’t be in the handcuffs of capitalists. Unfortunately, our government schools provide easy education but it seriously lacks in quality and couldn’t groom a ward for the outgrowing competition.

Thirdly and most importantly, we should be focused more upon inculcating skills in our education system. Basic Mathematics and basic Science only should be stressed at primary level. Rest all should be practical and realistic focusing more on identifying the true caliber of the ward. In this process if a child has to do some work, I found no problem with it. To all this, I put four restrictions:

1. The child’s age should be more than at least 12 years
2. The child shouldn’t be forced to do what he detests
3. His input in the form of work should only be for 2 – 4 hours
4. Work conditions should be ideal, not like the one you find in glass factories.

Anything more than that is exploitation.

Even the daughter of Bill Clinton use to sell newspapers to fetch more pocket money. That is not exploitation but a learning process where you discover to stand on your own and face the real world. One of the possible solutions could be making schools more inclined towards practical learning after abolishing child labor completely, but I would say the more a ward is exposed to the outside world, the better